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maafkan ruang kosong di bawah ini, tapi ia perlu untuk aku sort out otak aku.
ya, ruang kosong ini boleh membantu. separa-membantu, sebenarnya.

so...well, i thought everything would seem a bit better after a call home just now; but unfortunately no. i had to take deep calming breaths before answering the last few questions over the phone in order to not give them a hint that my eyes are watery. again, yeah. agh.

dunno; it's frustrating when you know that you're doing something you don't give your all about. specifically in my case, i'd really like to throw my Machine Design textbook into a burning rubble that is my lecturer's office just 'cause i'm not into machine design. the only fun part in engineering for me is thermodynamics, fluids, power, and a bit of controls maybe. but that's it. as for design, i'm ashamed to say that as an engineering student, i don't have faith in myself for it.

particularly because this subject, taught by this particular lecturer, becomes an unnecesary burden when it was supposed to be informative and fun since this is an important aspect of being an engineer in the real world. imagine : we have to do a project -- building an air compressor, and actually BUILD it from scratch -- plus weekly homework, quizzes every fucking weekend, a midterm and a final exam. we have other classes to attend to also, sir.

and i'm also frustrated of myself for not being able to keep up with schoolwork; like other people had it harder than me, you know? but...it's just vexing. it just makes me to not want to try anymore. like i'm clueless, have no idea of what i'm even learning about, and maybe will have a probability of doing something other than engineering in the future anyway.

i don't know.

and these all become amplified by the fact that i'm alone most of the time when i'm at home. i don't talk to my housemates 'cause 1) i can't find anything to talk about when i'm with them, 2) i'd feel better to talk in a way that i'm comfortable with, i.e in my own language dammit, and 3) they're rarely home anyways.

so like...i've gone through like 72+ hours of not talking to anyone every weekend since this quarter started. that could bring you down to insanity, seriously. and i think i feel the signs of retreating from the real world more than ever before : i'm more attached to my computer, i space out at times, ...basically i wasted time on a lot of stuff i shouldn't be doing.

and i know this is exactly what i hate to see others do -- constantly bitching about your problems and/or non-problems -- but hey, in my case, i don't have ANYONE here, alright. i can't get help from anyone close, i don't have friends that i can go to within traveling distance who i can ask to hang out with, and i sure don't have anyone asking me if they can help with whatever i'm working with. hell no. fuck hell no.

there goes another emo entry.

phew.
that aside --
aku hanya mahu kek dan/atau choc chip cookies dan/atau choc bar Cadbury's.
aku tak mahu masalah dan berfikir dengan banyak lagi.

maafkan ruang kosong di bawah ini, tapi ia perlu untuk aku sort out otak aku.
ya, ruang kosong ini boleh membantu. separa-membantu, sebenarnya.

so...well, i thought everything would seem a bit better after a call home just now; but unfortunately no. i had to take deep calming breaths before answering the last few questions over the phone in order to not give them a hint that my eyes are watery. again, yeah. agh.

dunno; it's frustrating when you know that you're doing something you don't give your all about. specifically in my case, i'd really like to throw my Machine Design textbook into a burning rubble that is my lecturer's office just 'cause i'm not into machine design. the only fun part in engineering for me is thermodynamics, fluids, power, and a bit of controls maybe. but that's it. as for design, i'm ashamed to say that as an engineering student, i don't have faith in myself for it.

particularly because this subject, taught by this particular lecturer, becomes an unnecesary burden when it was supposed to be informative and fun since this is an important aspect of being an engineer in the real world. imagine : we have to do a project -- building an air compressor, and actually BUILD it from scratch -- plus weekly homework, quizzes every fucking weekend, a midterm and a final exam. we have other classes to attend to also, sir.

and i'm also frustrated of myself for not being able to keep up with schoolwork; like other people had it harder than me, you know? but...it's just vexing. it just makes me to not want to try anymore. like i'm clueless, have no idea of what i'm even learning about, and maybe will have a probability of doing something other than engineering in the future anyway.

i don't know.

and these all become amplified by the fact that i'm alone most of the time when i'm at home. i don't talk to my housemates 'cause 1) i can't find anything to talk about when i'm with them, 2) i'd feel better to talk in a way that i'm comfortable with, i.e in my own language dammit, and 3) they're rarely home anyways.

so like...i've gone through like 72+ hours of not talking to anyone every weekend since this quarter started. that could bring you down to insanity, seriously. and i think i feel the signs of retreating from the real world more than ever before : i'm more attached to my computer, i space out at times, ...basically i wasted time on a lot of stuff i shouldn't be doing.

and i know this is exactly what i hate to see others do -- constantly bitching about your problems and/or non-problems -- but hey, in my case, i don't have ANYONE here, alright. i can't get help from anyone close, i don't have friends that i can go to within traveling distance who i can ask to hang out with, and i sure don't have anyone asking me if they can help with whatever i'm working with. hell no. fuck hell no.

there goes another emo entry.

phew.
that aside --
aku hanya mahu kek dan/atau choc chip cookies dan/atau choc bar Cadbury's.
aku tak mahu masalah dan berfikir dengan banyak lagi.

N a d i a l a h , N a d i a .

prolly will put something else. we'll see later eh?
[ UNDER CONSTRUCTION! ]

but, like the other tabs/sections, i can't think of any to put here.
[ UNDER CONSTRUCTION! ]
three.
four.
five.






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